Monday, November 30, 2009

My Legacy

Today I feel anxious I am feeling pretty sick still I think its the anemia making me feel lousy but I did go to Memorial Sloan Kettering today to do blood work and to get some fluids. I have a weird feeling in my throat when I swallow its like I am swallowing over a bubble or a raw spot. The doctor said it could be thrush so I need to be careful what I eat because the chemo can do some damage to the digestive system and I have to make sure its not to hot or to cold or to spicy so I will try to be bland. As hard as this is when the doctor turned to me and said maybe we should skip the last AC-T treatment (which is the strong chemo) I panicked. She said I was not tolerating it well and that maybe we should just skip to the Taxol. My fist automatic response was no please I don't want to die of cancer I will be able to get through this just  lets not give up on me. I want every single possibility in my favor to kick this cancer ass out of me and I will be strong enough to get through just please don't give up on me. She agreed than God. I feel assured that whatever I need to get through I will I am a fighter and I won't give up on my kids after all its only one more treatment of the bad stuff and then we go to the more mild chemo.

After going and spending 3 more hours at the hospital Mom and I went to the mall for some sushi and it felt good to be out of the house and in the world of the living. I thoroughly enjoyed dinner and then it hit me like a ton of bricks I felt sick again. We paid the bill and left the restaurant and had a little bit of a walk to get to the car. I wasn't sure I could make it and then we ran into an old friend who I personally have not seen since I was in my teens I believe. She said something to me that struck a chord and in a way has transformed my mindset. She told me that all of us every one has a cross that they need to bear and that we don't  know why but we need to just bear it. I realized she was right I am no different than any other person with personal challenge mine is just mine and theirs is theirs. My story is just one in an infinite number and I don't feel sorry for myself I feel grateful that this is my cross and I accept it. Just as easily it could have been my child or like her her innocent grandchild who is stricken with an incurable disease that is just devastating so when I get that feeling of why me I can say honestly thank you god for my cross I can complete this test and be strong and make this negative into a positive for me and hopefully for someone else someday. This lesson is tough but it is awakening who am I. Just to think I should get through this life unscathed is totally selfish. I just hope that I can help people but if it is just one person thats OK it makes it all worth while I might not be able to save the world but certainly can help one person at a time if that is what it takes. My commitment to breast cancer awareness and research as well as the other charity events that I have been lucky enough to be a part of has made me want to do all that I can to continue to make a difference so this is just the beginning for me and I am grateful. I think God knows what he is doing in giving me a platform with my big mouth to really help and it has certainly changed my life and my focus!

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