Half way through radiation and feeling much better than when I was going through Chemotherapy. I put on 20lbs and feel like I am getting fat. My face looks better but my body looks big to me. I feel tired a lot I guess from radiation but I am trying to get through it day by day. I have about 20 hot flashes every day as well it really sucks thats from the hormone therapy I am on. I am starting to get anxious about the treatments ending It feels like we should keep fighting but I have to believe that its all gone never to return. Anyway the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer which is only a good thing!

Mothers Day

Tomorrow is Mothers Day and I am excited about it yet looming over my head is silly things like is this the last Mothers Day for me, are my kids going to go through life without a mother and hurt like hell every year on this day. It's hard to keep these thoughts away they just are relentless making every holiday and basically every day at one moment or another a nightmare. I really want to stay positive all the time I just can't seem to do it as hard as I try. My faith comes and goes and I feel sometimes like I am the only one in the world who feels this way right now even though logically I realize thats not true. Today is a why me day I guess. Maybe tomorrow will be better I hope so. I don't know which is worse the physical or mental pain of this thing I am going through. Well lets see how radiation goes. I look forward to going back to Mom's house for a little while. It will be nice to go back for 5 weeks. It will be a happy Mothers Day.

Today was the dry run for radiation

Today I went for the dry run for my radiation and let me tell you it felt as if I was abducted by aliens and was studied and maneuvered and just felt like a guinie pig. I know I have to do this but the thought of it scares me as well because I know radiation can be damaging in and of itself. I am afraid of the side effects also but I know they will not be nearly what chemotherapy was so I keep reassuring myself on that one. I look forward to the day I am truly cancer free and also free to live my life. I wish I felt a little stronger for me and for my kids I feel like I am pushing myself to just get up and out of bed every day. I think I am depressed a little. I guess that is to be expected under the circumstances. Thank god for my husband he takes care of me and my kids from laundry to cooking to cleaning and more. All the guilt that I have cant be good for me but this is the way it is right now hopefully someday soon I will be back to myself and be able to do mor without getting wiped out. I am sitting next to my son who is singing somewhere over the rainbow and I am kvelling at the cuteness of him right now. Its funny how kids are so resilient he barely notices anything different about me or whats going on in our world.

Starting Radiation jitters

I was supposed to go for my first radiation treatment tomorrow but the office called to say we have to do my dry run tomorrow instead of today and start the actual treatment on Monday. I am both nervous and happy to be starting the last phase of treatment. I am hoping to be in the majority this time with little or no side effects. My family and I went to Buffalo and Niagara Falls this passed weekend and it was a great distraction for me. First was my 19 year college reunion which was so much fun but so strange at the same time. I felt like I was in a time warp where I was at my college in the college bars that we would hang out in but I felt like we were there with my parents age friends. Not that everyone looked old but we all look 40 which was the exact age of my parents when I was in college. It was a great time and I loved seeing all the people I haven't seen in 20 years. It seemed as I looked around I did feel different I felt like look at this I have cancer and life just goes on anyway I feel guilty for even saying that out loud but it is how I felt. I know logically that life does go on but I also feel like I wear a badge and that that badge is cancer which made me wear a wig which made me tired which made it impossible to drink and have the same good time as everyone else there. I did drink a little and I did have a good time I just wish I was finished with all my treatments and completely healthy. Anyway we ended up doing the tourist thing and going to Niagara Falls and doing a guided tour which was amazing. We went on this boat that goes almost all the way in to the mouth of the falls and me my husband, my niece and my kids had a blast but it was a little scary. The boat was rocking and rolling and we were getting so aked by the mist and waves made by the falls. We took a ton of pictures which I am happy about hopefully my kids can remember this trip forever. I needed to go some of the way by wheelchair though because I am still anemic and my strength is still not up to where I could do this without any help. My husband and my niece pushed me and that was nice otherwise I would have had to stay on the bus. I am so luck to have the family support that I do and I will never forget that it is what propells me through this. I am curious to see how this dry run for radiation goes tomorrow and talk to my handsome doctor about my treatment again. I am sure all my questions will be answere and It won't be as scary as it seems right now I will just keep praying for the best and hope that gods hands will guide the doctors into curing me so I can go to my 25 college reunion feeling great!

Life is hard

I realize that life is not easy and that trials that are given make us stronger but I am starting to feel really anxious and afraid now. My husband lost his job and Disability is dragging their feet on gettin out my retro check back to Dec 30th we have 8 dollars in the bank and an empty refrigerator. I can't sleep I am really scared but on the flip side I know eventually I will get my disability check and things will be a little easier but I don't know how we will get by until then I also have this pending great opportunity with pokerstars and their new tv show The Big Game which tapes in Vegas which is on my bucket list so I am really hoping they pick me to be on this new show. I know in my head the most important thing is my health but I cant stop worrying. My kids are asleep and in bed and hopefully oblivious to our stress and I hope it stays that way I cannot take one more day of red tape with government programs designed to help people like us who are struggling. Sloan Kettering chose to not release my information even though I filled out the forms for release to disability I left out one line apparantly and that was enough to delay the release of information needed to deliver a decision on my case now tomorrow I have to fill out this form again and hope they send the proper documentation to disability so they can then make a decision on my case. Sometimes I wish it was 1970 and you got to speak to people and no privacy garbage to deal with. It is a full time job to get the benefits I have paid for religiously out of my paycheck every week I have worked for 5 years. This is my money and they are holding on to it as long as they can it is unfair at the least. I am sorry for belly aching but I have been waiting and waiting for this check and every time I think its coming they tell me I left out a t or didn't dot an i. I am so sick of all of this. It is a full time job to try to get help. Well I better get some sleep so I can get on the phone again tomorrow for more paperwork and try to go to social security office tomorrow. Just pray for us that we get through this and hopefully for Tommy to find a job really soon. Fear doesn't rule my life I have to much to be thankfull for but it sure does suck.

The set up

Today I went to get my mold for my radiation.  I got there and was whisked of to a giant room and about six people mulling about a cat scan machine setting things up. The room was intimidating but the people are just amazingly sincere and sweet. They explain everything to you step by step and it was somewhat overwhelming. They laid me down on this cat scan machine bed and lined me up with lasers it was amazing how much work actually goes into the preperation for Radiation therapy. After they lined me up they took the plastic that was underneath me and made a mixture of chemicals to put inside the garbage bag type  thing that I was laying on. Then they put it under me and it began to get warm and expanded around me to make a mold of my upper body. I had to lay still as possible for about an hour with my arm ovee my head which was no fun but the process amazed me. This stuff turned into an actual mold of my body that they will use every day to line me up in the machine with pinpoint accuracy. After the cat scan part the doctor comes in and explains that he will be lining things up and trying to avoid as much lung and heart and other organs which was so different than I pictured how this would be done. At the end after the mold and the drs calculations they will come up with a plan of attack and we will start radiation shortly after every day for six weeks. First they actually do a dry run without the radiation to see if everything is lined up right and to help with this they gave me eight little dot tatoos on my body so the could line me up in the same position every time I found this amazing. The technology today tells me how lucky I am to be living with this disease in this era. I know I am having the best possible care so I am sure to have the best possible outcome. All and all still scary but I am confident we are doing the right thing and I am in the right hands so here we go off to my upcoming cure and completion of all treatment forever! Amen to that.

Getting my Mold Today

Today I am going to get a mold of my back done to so that every time I go for radiation I am in the exact same position. Its weird I'm not affraid or anyting like that its just still surreal. I feel like this is someone elses life and I am just playing a part like an actor on t.v. Yesterday I went to see my breast surgeon and everything went great looks good no problems at all thank God but as I was sitting in the waiting room I started to talk to a woman who was just diagnosed very recently and was there to meet my breast surgeon for the first consultation. As I sit there speaking to her I am reflecting back to that day of my own and realized how far I have come. I saw the fear in her heart and wanted so bad to give her a hug and tell her it would be ok. I gave her my blog address and I hope she reads it because this blog is a window to my soul and it shows everything I was feeling along the way and I think it will help anyone who is on the same or similar journeys of their own. I hope somehow that this chronicle is of use to anyone in many situations as I said before its the only way I can make sense of why this has happened to me. I am so glad to be passed that and as far along as I am and still here to blog about it. Definitely what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I am 100% stronger now than I was on Sept 3rd 2009. Thank you God for the gifts in my life I see them now!