Sunday, November 1, 2009

Just because the nights aren't long enough we had to go and lose another hour. I feel like I am fighting to get through every night and its now that much harder. My mind is getting fragile and I am trying really hard to reel in these panicky feelings. I keep thinking how am I going to get through 4 months of this. I think I am starting to experience depression. I feel sad all the time I am constantly on the verge of crying. Today was rough I was nauseaus and I took meds and fell asleep. When I woke up I really had to pee so I jumped up and walked rather quickly to the bathroom about 20 feet or so from my bed. Next thing I knew I was in a heap on the floor. I fainted. I was so scared I just started crying for my Mom who came running to help me. I tried to get up before she got there but I just couldn't do it. I thought I was dying. When she got to me I was freaking out with fear she helped me up and took me back to bed. In my life I have never just fainted losing consciousness completely. As I sat there in bed I just kept thinking how is my little 113 lb body going to get through this. I don't want to go through hell just to die of some crazy thing like swine flu or some weird affliction. I am drained to the max. I am scared ass hell and I just want to scream! Help me God just help me. Make it go away make it better, let it be done with please just let it end. Then I realize it has only just begun and I am totally overwhelmed. My family has been about as supportive as possible but now I am feeling like its not enough. We are all taxed and tired. I worry about my husband taking care of my poor babies who are living this horror without Mommy being there to help. I know I need to just take care of myself which in turn will help them in the long run but what about today. I'm so pissed off I cannot live like I want to today. I wanted to go trick or treating with them I wanted to help pick out costumes for them I wanted to just be there. I can't and I'm mad. Pictures are just not the same. Well lets hope that things get better for the next few days until my next treatment. Hope is all I have and I refuse to lose that. Cancer can take a lot from me but it cant take my hope for the future.

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