It is Saturday morning and I am starting to lose track of days. I wake up confused every day trying to figure out what is going on in this life of mine that just seems all wrong. I miss my kids and my husband so much I almost feel like I am slowly disappearing from my own life bit by bit. My entire family went to go see Shrek on Broadway last night and I stayed home alone afraid to do anything but lay in bed and play on my computer. This round of chemotherapy has hit me really hard for some reason and I just cant get myself back. My strength is really going fast now I feel like just standing up makes me feel faint or weak. It is really hard for me to eat and god bless my mom but she keeps trying to bring me things to eat and I really just want to throw up. I know I have to try and I use my pot if I have to but I don't like just being a waste product and being stoned all the time it is not the quality of life I was looking for. I enjoy writing my blog and the pot also seems to interfere with being able to write so I will do what I can here. It is really important to me that I have a good chronicle of this experience because even now as I go back through and read previous entries it helps me to move through this experience instead of just letting it happen. It hopefully will continue to help me and maybe someday someone else going through this as well. I am planning on going home tonight to be with my family for the weekend and I am very excited about that. Hopefully I won't overwhelm my husband with all that he does daily and adding taking care of me to the list this weekend but its worth a try.

I am looking so forward to an event on November 18th in NYC that was set up by the friends I made at the Borgata Casino when I came in 2nd at the ladies event. This group of guys that were there writing for the magazines decided that they would sponsor me in a dream of a lifetime experience for me. They have entered me into this charity tournament called All in for Kids where all the proceeds get donated to Children's Hospital Of Philadelphia. I will be playing poker with some of the stars that I have only dreamed of playing with on T.V. and the best part is it all goes to children's charity. Now I get to be a real groupie and I am so excited I cant even tell you. Right now this is the reason I get out of bed knowing I have these few things to look forward to in this calendar of doctors, hospitals, treatments and sickness. I can never thank them enough my mind has something to hang on to that is positive because of them. Thank you my friends I cant wait to see you.