Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Another night has come and gone and I am one day closer to round 2 of chemotherapy. It looms over me like a black cloud in winter. My anxiety over losing my hair is really weird because I knew it was coming but as I run my fingers through it I am getting more and more left in my hands. I thought I was ready for it but its like some irrational fear. As a child for some reason I was always afraid of the chicken pox, I never got it till I was 16 so I went through almost my entire childhood fearful of it. When I actually got it I panicked for the first 15 minutes and then I was fine. Of course it was not as bad as I had imagined and I didn't look like some monster I looked like a kid with the chicken pox. Well I am about to look like a cancer patient. I realize it will not be as bad as I am imagining but the fear is still there. I hope that most of my hair stays until Thursday morning because I made the decision to shave my head and have my wig fitted on that day and I really don't want it to fall all the way out until then.

As I get closer to my next chemo session I am fearful of the side effects, not as bad as the fear before I had my first one but still pretty bad. I want to go to get closer to finishing treatment but I don't want to feel like crap again for 2 weeks. This first round was really hard and nothing seems to go easily for me when it comes to health. I thank god that I was not vomiting for days and days but I fainted 2 days ago which scared the hell out of me and I spent most of yesterday in the hospital. Yesterday was interesting I went to see my oncologist at the clinic in Sleepy Hollow and she wanted to give me fluids because I showed signs of dehydration. They gave me fluids and about half way through I had eaten a sandwich and some cake that Mom brought me while I waited for that saline bag to drip into my body. All of a sudden I felt really sick, my heart started to race, my blood pressure went up really high, I was sweaty and nauseaus and just felt again like I was going to faint. The doctor came and took a look at me and sent me right over to the Emergency Room at Phelps Memorial Hospital which is connected to the clinic. I still don't know exactly what happened but a couple hours later after a battery of tests I got the green light to go home. I think that the chocolate cake that Mom got for me to help cheer me up made me have what is called dumping syndrome which is a side effect of my gastric bypass surgery which I had in May of 08'. My body senses sugar in my blood and sends out insulin to counteract the sugar. When I was overweight I would eat lots of carbs and sugar and it would have to send out lots of insulin to deal with the sugar in my blood. Now I cannot eat one quarter of what I used to but my body doesn't know this and still sends out the large amounts of insulin expecting to get slammed with sugar. Next thing I know I am having symptoms of hypoglycemia and it is just awful. I am not sure that this is what happened but I think it had something to do with it because I didn't eat that much cake but who knows. Anyway I plan on having a better day today and time keeps going and life goes on no matter what so I will try to enjoy the day and live in the moment.

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