Thursday, November 5, 2009

Today I am going to shave my hair off and get my wig fitted. I am excited to see how my wig will look but I'm anxious about being bald. Well the good news is mine will grow back I have a few friends who I'm sure would like their male pattern baldness to be temporary so I consider myself lucky. I then will head into New York City to Memorial Sloan Kettering to see my plastic surgeon who will give my boobies a fill. This is nice to see but rough with the pain so that old saying it hurts to be beautiful never meant as much as it does now. I can handle it and look forward to seeing the end result. I will be going home for the weekend and can't wait to be with my family again. Hopefully this will re-energize me for Monday when I get round 2 of chemotherapy. My babies are feeling the stain especially my little girl who will be 7 in December. I worry that she is holding in her fear and that she misses me in her daily life. This is by far the hardest part including the side effects of chemo. I can deal with my suffering but not hers. She asked me the other night "Mommy when will you come home forever I miss you" My heart sank. I told her that when the doctors heal me I promise I will be there for the rest of her life and that we need to be strong to get through it together. I also know her birthday is coming up and I don't have any money to give her the party we promised her all year. My heart is breaking for her and I am helpless. All I can do is love her when I can and assure her she is the most important thing in my life and her and her brother are what give me the strength to fight. My entire family is broke and there is nothing to do but put one foot in front of the other and pray for help. The money is gone but the drive to survive no matter what is alive. Hopefully my disability check starts to come soon because that stress is affecting me more than anything right now. I hate to complain about money but this is my reality I am fighting 2 battles one for my life and the other to keep our financial head above water and I just don't see any relief anytime soon we are drowning I need to hold on to my home and this is becoming an impossabilty. I am trying my best and that is all I can do God will show me the way and I hope my heart is open enough to listen to his guidance. God help us we need it. I need to focus on the things I can change and try to put the other stuff out of my mind. Easier said than done but I will try. I need lots of prayers so time to hit my knees again and I will do that today and every day I feel well enough to.


  1. Nicole...I am crying. I feel your pain. When everything was going on with Anthony...missing my kids was the thing that seemed crushing. It was the same time of year too. Before you know it, this will all be a distant memory. A battle scar of life. Something that seemed like it was trying to break you, but actually made you stronger. But until you get to that other sucks. I know I told you this...but I seriously can't stop praying for you. You're on my mind and heart constantly.

  2. Nicole, I am a long time friend of Jill and Billy - from Bainbridge Ave in the Bronx -my sister Jacki went to Mt St Ursula with Jill.
    I think Tommy knew Jacki.
    Your blog is very touching. You seem a strong, courageous woman who will make it through this. There probably be times when you will think "I am tired of being strong and courageous." That's ok because there are many people, including my family, praying for you and that will hold you up and carry you through.
    Doing this blog is very important - it is an outlet so the negative energy leaves your body.
    Thank you for reminding me what is important in life. - Laura (Lori) Page