Monday, November 9, 2009

Truth be told

Truth be told I am a mess right now. I don't know why but I assumed that my 2nd treatment would be easier mentally than the first because I know what to expect but unfortunately I know what to expect and I'm afraid. My thoughts are racing thinking well what if I stop the treatment 50/50 chance isn't that bad but then I realize I have to give myself the best shot even though it the hardest thing I've ever been through. I am very irritable which the doctor warned me about. Everybody and everything annoys the shit out of me. I can't stop my anger its like blowing bubbles in milk it just keeps bubbling up and over the glass I want to scream! I don't feel like myself at all. I want to just run away and scream at the top of my lungs its not fucking fair. Its not fair that everything I want to do even just go home for the weekend to be with my kids gets taken away from me. When will it end when do I get to be the one to just have peace. I don't want to be a millionaire, I could give a shit less about money but all I can think of is how the hell am I going to do this my family is not and endless supply of money and I don't want to lose my home but things are bad. My poor husband has to take 100% off the responsibility for my kids and still has to worry about me and all the bills that keep coming which we can't pay. I'm so sorry for him. For me I will get through this but I just want to punch something really hard and then I'll be O.K. till the next virtual tantrum. I am truly sorry if this upsets anyone but this is my space to vent and thank god for it. Please pray for me I don't mean to complain I know it could always be worse but it does suck right now.

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