Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This will probably be the last post from me for a little while but stay tuned my family will be posting updates on facebook and hopefully here as well. I have a strange feeling today slowly coming over me throughout the day. I have been asking G-d since I found out about this to please grant me a wish but my wish has changed. I was asking to be cured and to not have this be true but realizing thats not possible immediately I accept this trial and will fight hard for myself and my family to recover fully and quickly. My wish is now (Shalom) I am looking for peace, Peace for me, Peace for my loved ones and all who care about me. Whatever happens I am only going to ask for this one thing for now. My life is just taking an unexpected turn and its time to let it be. I will go to sleep with a little help from the pharmacy and hopefully G-d will grant me this wish. Good night my friends, my family, may G-d bless us all!
There is nothing to say and nothing anybody else can say right now. All that I can think about is surgery. God give my Dr. extra wisdom and skills tomorrow. Let me get through this unscathed and get to the next Chapter of healing. Thank you everyone for you well wishes and prayers they have helped through this torture. I feel so sorry for my kids I want them to be O.K. but this will affect them too. I remember the fear and anxiety as a kid of dealing with my grandmother in my home when she was going through breast cancer. I just hope they will be sheltered a little from the pain and I thank my Mom for letting me stay at her home until I feel better. I hope my family knows how much I appreciate them. I love you more than you know and I appreciate you all!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Crunch time folks. Can't push it away anymore, can't get it out of my mind its like a tidal wave you know is coming but can't run. I am paralyzed with fear and anxiety. I just hope that this truly is the hardest part, the waiting, because if it gets any harder (mentally) I will lose it. I can't wait till I can wake up and its not the first thing on my mind. I want to enjoy a day just because its a beautiful day. I want to look forward to the future not dread it. Well thats it for now no deep thoughts just reality check.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I want to scream out loud and pound my fists and feet on the floor. I can't help it, its so unfair that I have to get tortured. For what! What did I do to deserve this. I know Im not supposed to ask why me but why me! Why now, I just turned 40 my life is turning around I have so many things to look forward to and I just can't pretend to be OK with this. Im not OK by far. My head feels like its in a vice and I have no control over who is operating the device. But OK God I give up, Mercy! I'm done I can't do this anymore I need help Im so scared its palpable. My brain is uncontrollable help me to feel the comfort that keeps eluding me, Please. I'm sorry if this upsets people who care about me but I have to get this out of my head. It just won't stop until I do. This is me raw and uncensored. I'm sorry.
I am finding it harder and harder to take my mind off the impending pain and suffering I will be going through and the fear of the unknown. I find myself asking anyone who knows anyone with cancer to tell me what chemotherapy feels like and when the normalcy comes back in life. I know these questions can't possibly be answered but I keep asking them anyway for some reason. I feel like I'm a bottomless pit of my need for reassurance. It is truly a strange feeling to go through the motions of life with this feeling of everything is not O.K. but everybody including myself is acting as if it is. I have to keep telling myself god understands how I feel because nobody else can and that is the only way I am not alone in this. I am going to Temple tonight for Yom Kippur and I hope that It can give me some peace of mind. I will keep praying and asking everyone I know to pray for me and hopefully the message will get there. Faith is a funny thing it comes and goes the key is keeping it for longer and longer and folks I'm trying hard!

Friday, September 25, 2009

I am home from Atlantic City with a renewed sense of hope and faith. The kindness of virtual strangers amazes me. I also feel I made some forever friends at The Borgata and out of a group of women who played poker with me in the Ladies event and the men who work there mostly in the media. I did what I wanted to and got my mind off of cancer for a few days doing what I love to do, playing poker.

I remember when I was a little girl and I thought to myself, how old will I be in the year 2000, which seemed like a million years in the future. I figured out I would be 30, then I thought to myself wow when I'm 30 years old I won't be afraid anymore. My fears included, things under my bed, going downstairs alone, the boogyman etc.. What I realize now is that you don't lose your fears they just get replaced by other ones. Fear is not a bad thing though it makes us not do things that we shouldn't do and it makes us appreciate the time we are not afraid. If I can learn to live like a child again and enjoy life even though I have a lot of fears this will be the best gift I have ever had. Weird but true. The last 10 years of my life have been wasted on the adult version of the boogyman which only existed in my mind. I now have the opportunity to be free from bondage and just be alive for as long as God lets me. Thank you God!

Monday, September 21, 2009

D-day. Here it is folks. I slept O.K. with taking only one xanax. I literally thought I would have to take like 2 or 3 but I didn't to my surprise. My biggest fear is the unknown so I should find comfort it the fact that some of that will be over today. I look forward to meeting and speaking to my doctor today so I get some control back. I basically made the decision in my head already to do a double mastectomy though but I really want to hear some good news. I know they can't actually stage the cancer until after the surgery and pathology but thats the next hurdle. This torture is almost over and then on to the next. I hope the mental anguish gets easier because I know for sure the physical hasn't even started. I will be strong for me and for my kids and everybody else pulling for me. I can do this I know I can!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's just not fair! The thought that I have to go through this looming hell just to live is so unfair. I am jealous of everyone else I see walking down the street or anyone that seems like nothings on there mind. I can't fathom why I have to go through this, I feel fine. Actually I feel better than I have felt in a long time and it's just so weird that I am so sick that if I do nothing at all I will die and probably fairly quickly. It makes me mad which I know is wrong because why me is not fair either to someone else! Why not me? God just please give me strength to get over myself and just thank him for what I have which is, living in this day and age with the technology and the ability to CURE me of this horrible disease and a beautiful family that I have been gifted and the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Well its Sunday and tomorrow is Monday, not just any Monday THE Monday. I will be sitting at the doctors office given choices I never thought I would have to make. I pray to God she will have good news and take some of this fear out of my head so I can concentrate on just doing what she says and getting better. The guilt is killing me I feel so bad for my family I never wanted to be the reason to cause this much anguish in their lives. I just know it is too hard for me to even imagine if one of my kids got cancer, I can't imagine the pain and fear. But I realized last night we are a group not just Mom, Dad, Sis, and my Tommy my Love of my life my Darling Husband it's also my Uncle Danny my Dad's brother, It's my 1st cousin Stacy, it's my husbands family who sent us a gift of money and offered to help in ways I can't believe, and I can't forget Chris who has been there for me and my dad through a tumultuous couple of years as if she were a soldier fighting for me like am her flesh and blood and I am so greatefull for all of you. I am the luckiest person I know right now. And with the risk of sounding like Dorothy I love you all each and every one.... I love you and you and you and so on and so on and so on.....

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Today I will spend the day with family and friends for the New Year. I am excited to see them for the first time in my new reality. It's weird because I don't want sympathy I want to feel normal but at the same time I want to scream as loud as I can at the top of a mountain "I have Cancer" help me tell me I will be ok like when I was a little girl and my Mommy or Daddy told me I'll grow up get married have babies and live happily ever after. The problem here is they are saying I will be OK but I'ts just hard to actually believe it now. Remember when Daddy said I was the most beautiful girl in the world and I believed him. I want that back! I am hoping that my newfound faith in god will make me feel that way again and anything is possible, Right? I will be strong. At times though I will need to get up on that mountain and scream what I want to say and then I will say this instead, I will be strong for my family and myself and I will get through this one day at a time god willing!

Friday, September 18, 2009

I tried

Well today I have tried to make a good day of it but it just didn't seem to work. I went to work and was busy but I felt myself getting angrier and angrier as the day went on. Little things seemed to irritate the heck out of me. I know I am supposed to stay positive but It's really hard to keep trying to trick you mind into believing that cancer is a positive thing in my life. Again I will keep trying but as time goes on and I realize my life is forever changed, my reality is a new fearful reality I am starting to feel sadness as well. My head is filled with thoughts of going through this torture of waiting for test results and pathologies and scans and praying that one little cancer cell hasn't gotten into that area that I feel a pain in, for the rest of my life. I know from now on I will never have that comfort of ignorance of not knowing I have or hopefully (had soon), cancer. It's funny because god never promises you tomorrow but you just don't think about it until your mortality hits you in the face! Ignorance is bliss
Wow I got through another night so I am one day closer to my ultimate goal being cancer free! It is definitely getting scarier though I am going through bouts of happiness thats its almost here and unimaginable fear that its almost here. Weird. I am trying to visualize myself holding my hands from the inside of my chest against my breast to keep the cancer out of my body and only in my breasts. They are like my little soldiers battling for territory and we will win! My head is calmer now for some reason this distraction with the media coverage of my poker blessing is a good thing in every respect. It is keeping my mind off cancer and it is getting the word out about breast cancer. I don't know why god chose me to do this (other than my big ol' mouth) but he did so I am going to take it as far as I can. If I can save one young woman from going through this fear and pain I am about to encounter It will all be worth it. Today I will have a good day today even if I don't feel like it. It's my choice and thats still under my control.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Great day folks! A little scary though. I went to Memorial Sloan Kettering's brand new facility today and wow it was amazing. Just beautiful. I was taken back by the feelings though knowing I am in a cancer hospital mad reality click in a little. I did have a slight panic attack when they wanted to do another mammo and sono. Both turned out to be OK! great news no cancer in my left breast now I can concentrate on healing my right breast. This experience is like a walk into the twilight zone I am just waiting to see aliens or monsters because it feels surreal. Me Nicole Rowe in a cancer hospital being asked to sign a health proxy at just 40 years old. This isn't supposed to happen to ME. But it is happening and I will gain strenght to fight this full force! I am going to work tomorrow and will pretend through another day like nothing is wrong and so on and so on and so on....
It's morning already sleep is something I can only do now with some help from my little friend Xanax. When it wears off I am up even if its only been a few hours since I took it. My fears are kept in check with it and If ever a moment in my life to use these kinds of drugs now is the time. I am still not going to use them during the day I will live with my fear and be able to fully participate in my life. God doesn't promise tomorrow so I want to be able to smell the roses today! Today is my second sonogram to determine if I have cancer in my other (left) breast and my first time going to Memorial Sloan Kettering hospital. I am both nervous and excited to be actually doing something besides waiting. Reality is starting to hit me in the face but I guess I should have expected that. LOL. I will once again lean on my family to take me to the hospital and schlep me into NYC and give me the moral support I need. Thank you god for them. (Lord knows I have complained about them in the past) but joking aside I am so lucky to be gifted the family that I have!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My faith in humanity is renewed. People are amazing and just a word means so much I can't even describe. I am having some growing fears that I am trying to keep under control and the support I'm receiving is helping to keep me strong. Truth be told I am petrified. I would like to be through this waiting and find out already what is going to be happening to me. I promised myself and god I would not try to control this but it's hard. I want to drive the bus but I know my place is to just have faith in the driver, God. Keeping the Faith!!!
My mind is going in a million directions right now. I am feeling afraid at times where I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't live on xanax so I only take it at night to help me sleep. Being home from Atlantic City and the Borgata is good and bad. I so miss the distraction and the real warmth and caring of the people and staff at Borgata. I have to come back to reality. Kids go to school my husband goes to work and I am left with my thoughts and fears. People have gone back to their lives and I feel somewhat alone. I know I am not alone but I do feel that way right now. Hopefully work can be a good distraction. Just get through the day and I am one day closer to being healed. Rosh Hashana is Friday and Saturday and I hope this year turns out to be the best one yet!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ups and Downs

Today I realized I need to learn to be a duck! I was unhappy with an article written about me in the Philly paper and started to become upset. Just then the phone rang and it was my twin sister. She called to tell me that we "meaning her an me" do not have the BRACA gene that causes some breast cancers. This is great! news! It snapped me right out of my funk and back into realizing what is important. My 6 year old daughter most likely will not carry this horrible gene that can take the life of young women in a flash! What a relief!

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Story

Hi Everyone! I will be using this blog to update my journey through life. If this seems a little vague, stay tuned and you can read