It's just not fair! The thought that I have to go through this looming hell just to live is so unfair. I am jealous of everyone else I see walking down the street or anyone that seems like nothings on there mind. I can't fathom why I have to go through this, I feel fine. Actually I feel better than I have felt in a long time and it's just so weird that I am so sick that if I do nothing at all I will die and probably fairly quickly. It makes me mad which I know is wrong because why me is not fair either to someone else! Why not me? God just please give me strength to get over myself and just thank him for what I have which is, living in this day and age with the technology and the ability to CURE me of this horrible disease and a beautiful family that I have been gifted and the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Well its Sunday and tomorrow is Monday, not just any Monday THE Monday. I will be sitting at the doctors office given choices I never thought I would have to make. I pray to God she will have good news and take some of this fear out of my head so I can concentrate on just doing what she says and getting better. The guilt is killing me I feel so bad for my family I never wanted to be the reason to cause this much anguish in their lives. I just know it is too hard for me to even imagine if one of my kids got cancer, I can't imagine the pain and fear. But I realized last night we are a group not just Mom, Dad, Sis, and my Tommy my Love of my life my Darling Husband it's also my Uncle Danny my Dad's brother, It's my 1st cousin Stacy, it's my husbands family who sent us a gift of money and offered to help in ways I can't believe, and I can't forget Chris who has been there for me and my dad through a tumultuous couple of years as if she were a soldier fighting for me like am her flesh and blood and I am so greatefull for all of you. I am the luckiest person I know right now. And with the risk of sounding like Dorothy I love you all each and every one.... I love you and you and you and so on and so on and so on.....