I want to scream out loud and pound my fists and feet on the floor. I can't help it, its so unfair that I have to get tortured. For what! What did I do to deserve this. I know Im not supposed to ask why me but why me! Why now, I just turned 40 my life is turning around I have so many things to look forward to and I just can't pretend to be OK with this. Im not OK by far. My head feels like its in a vice and I have no control over who is operating the device. But OK God I give up, Mercy! I'm done I can't do this anymore I need help Im so scared its palpable. My brain is uncontrollable help me to feel the comfort that keeps eluding me, Please. I'm sorry if this upsets people who care about me but I have to get this out of my head. It just won't stop until I do. This is me raw and uncensored. I'm sorry.