Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's 6:30 am and in just a few hours I will find out what I have been waiting for since September 4th. I am both excited and terrified. This is what we have been waiting for right? I got the call yesterday about a cancellation for today and jumped on it but I almost regret it now. I can't even explain how scared I am it feels like a continuos drop on a roller coaster in my stomach, my head wont stop it is spinning with thoughts I just want to shut it off. I'm hoping with knowledge comes power and I will be able to control this. My first instinct is to run away they cut out the cancer so now just run somewhere warm and pretty so nobody can find me. I just want to be left alone. I know that sounds crazy but I really do have these moments of irrational thinking. Then I think of my kids and it gives me the strength to fight for my life and to go through this as if I were fighting for their lives. I have fears of them growing up without a mother and I just feel like they got jipped that they have to go through this nightmare with me and even after it is done and we get through treatments still no guarantee that I will be there at their important days of their lives. I just want a guarantee that I will be at their highschool graduation and their Bat mitvah and their weddings and see my grandbabies one day! This is where I just try so hard to have the faith I need to believe that I will be there. I try to visualize my kids grown up and looking beautiful and strong and I am right there with them. I will survive this and I will not let them be short changed in life nor will I. I am done feeling sorry for myself and now its time to fight like heck. I got my wig from a dear friend who fought this battle 2 1/2 years ago and I believe this wig is a healing wig because everybody who she has loaned it to has healed. Positive energy is so strong as soon as I put it on I felt that and I know I will be healed and pass it on to the next person who will heal as well. I am ready! Thank you guys for traveling this journey with me and a new chapter begins today. I will keep you posted on a regular basis and prayers and good energy will get me through! I just know it.

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