Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hi everybody I've missed you. I haven't had the head to write in a few days but I'm back. I had a really good night sleep last night in my own bed with my husband for the first time since I found out I have cancer. Yes I said since September 4th the day I found out, not the day of my surgery. I don't know exactly why I couldn't sleep in my bed but I have theories. When you don't feel normal you don't act normal. But my best guess is that I needed to have my computer and my TV on all night for constant reassurance and I did not want to bother him while he was sleeping although he continuously said to me it would not bother him and to just come to bed I couldn't. I feel relieved and like things are becoming more normal now and this was the first step. I still am very anxious about one pathology test that has not come back yet which is called HER2 it has something to do with Human growth hormone and a protein but I am trying not to learn about it until I have to but hopefully I won't have to. This makes the cancer much more aggressive therefore more likely to spread. I know in my heart I do not have this but I just want to put it out of my mind and move to the next trial. I am starting to feel like people are going back to life as usual and I am still left here with my fearful mind. I did expected that and in a way I want that. The more normal life gets the easier it will be for me to forget this nightmare and move passed it. I am one of the luckiest people I know with never ending support of friends and family that I only dreamed was possible. Has to be a gift from G-d and I am learning to believe that this whole experience is already choreographed by him so I am trying my best to follow his lead and just let go and dance. I am not the best dancer but I hope I don't have to be. I will try and thats the best I can do.

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