Thursday, October 8, 2009
I am up in the middle of the night for a change and I am just thinking about tomorrow. I am going to the Plastic Surgeon at Memorial Sloan Kettering, now today at 3:30PM to remove these drains finally. I feel like a lot of my residual pain is due to these foreign bodies in my chest. They itch they hurt they are uncomfortable and inconvenient to say the least. I think my pathology report is supposed to be in tomorrow and I am anxious to know what they are going to say but part of me just doesn't want to ask yet. I want to know but I don't in the same breath. I am trying to stay positive which I have a lot to be positive for but the possibilities kill me mentally. I know what I have been told is all good like the size of my tumor makes it a stage 2 which is early but you just don't know till the pathology report shows you the full picture. I am afraid of the fact that cancer was found in my lymph node and they are studying these cells to find out how far they have gotten. Whatever the results I know I have a great chance of long term survival at worst and cure at best, but its like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other its just there and wont go away. I just have a hard time like a child on christmas morning wanting to just get there already and get through these next few months or a year and at the same time I want to stop to smell the roses as they say and live in the moment and just appreciate each day. We will see if my feelings change when we get the reports and start my treatments. I think that the unknown is the hardest part of my whole experience so far. I'm hoping comfort comes with knowledge and action and faith in G-d. I am trying folks and thank you for your comments about my journey. Hopefully one day this chronicle can help someone else get through this experience day by day like I am. It is the only way I can make any sense of this.
Posted by Nicole Rowe at 3:47 AM