Saturday, April 10, 2010

New Beginnings

I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I feel really good right now. All I have left is six weeks of radiation and healing my mind and body of this nightmarish six months. I have not blogged for a while because it was too painful to go over the things that I have gone through the last two months but now I am starting to feel stronger both pyhsically and mentally so I will be frank and open as I can about the trials of my life. It all started with me having something rare called conversion disorder where my whole body was shaking and moving uncontrolably which scared me to the core . The doctors had no idea what was causing this but I was sure I was dying in my mind the cancer was in my brain. Anyway thank god the cancer was not in my brain or anywhere else thank god and I know this because they did a PET scan which came back 100% clean in the brain and the body so I am officially cancer free! Now for the not so fun stuff like spending 3 or 4 weeks in and out of three hospitals going out of my mind. Even the best hospitals can make mistakes and my last trip to Sloan Kettering for my exchange surgery which is when they take out my tissue expanders and put in my permanent implants was a nightmare. The surgery went fine and my new boobies are da bomb they look fantastic but somehow the doctors forgot to give me enough pain medication for 2 days I never suffered so much pain in my life. I don't know how or why but I somehow slipped through the cracks but I think they flagged me as a drug abuser and treated me as if I was an addict. Finally after two days of torture the pain management team realized their mistake and appologized and gave me the medication I needed to be comfortable thank god. My mind is recovering as well the bad thoughts are coming less and less and I really feel like good things are in my near future. I have a 20 year camp reunion tonight and a 20 year reunion for college on the 30th in Buffalo I am so excited I think I want to die my hair hot pink now that its coming back I want to have fun with it. I feel like a new person I want to look like one. I am really proud of what I have come through and I am definitely a stronger person than I ever thought was possible. I have to thank my mom most of all she is my hero. I have never known how lucky I was until now and I will never take advantage of the way my family just picked me up and held my hand through the worst 6 months of my life. Mom you are my rock I could not ever have come through this without you I know how affraid you were and yet you never showed me you just stood by me and was my advocate when these hospitals fucked me up royally I new I could count on you and I will never be able to repay you for that just know that I know you walked next to me and shared my every trial and took care of me like a tiger protecting her cub. THANK YOU! and I love you more today than I ever knew I could. Now Dad I know I would be out on the street if it werent for your generosity and constant protection you make me think clearly when my mind takes me to that place that is so not healthy for me. Your hand on my face is enough to calm me right out of a complete panic attack or my symptoms of conversion disorder. You make me feel safe and sound in a storm of sorts and I also can never thank you enough I love you more than you know! My sweet sister Liz you have been my best friend it sucks that we don't live closer becaus this experience fixed 40 years of a troubled relationship and you have become my best friend. I feel I can tell you anything and I do now and it feels so good. We are soul sisters and I appreciate you too. Now to my husband and love of my life I dont always say it but you are the best man I have ever known you take such good care of me and the kids I never saw anything like it you just stepped in and took over everything and allowed me to just concentrate on healing myself and never!! worry about my kids I knew they were in exceptional care at all times. You also make me feel like the prettiest woman alive hair or no hair fat or skinny it amazes me how much you love me unconditionally. I know we said vows when we got married but a lot of guys would have jumped ship after all I have been through and you are still there stronger than ever. I know I dont say it enough but thank you too. I love you forever. All my life I just put one foot in front of the other never stopping to look around me the world is a beautiful place and I want to live my life to make a difference starting with appreciation of my gifts from god an then hopefully helping others on their path to recovery. Stop and smell the roses is my new motto I will smile and have fun at least one hour of every day so as not to let a day go by without thanking god for something.

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