Saturday, December 26, 2009

Making it Day by Day

This Chrismas was an interesting one to say the least. On Christmas eve my family and my mother went to my husband's ex wifes home for dinner and celebration. It is very interesting but we get along very well. My husband being the kind of father he is made it easier for us to have such a great relationship with them. My step son who is 18 years old is the most important thing in this whole situation so we made a deal a long time ago to put him first and now we are all thankful. My stepson is a really good human being and I attribute that to parents who knew what was important and that is to put all the garbage away and just be parents together and leave the kids out of the grownup stuff. Anyway we all had a great time and this was the second year we all spent christmas together without having to schlep Nicky (my stepson) all over the map in the middle of christmas. My children loved it they love their big brother and they just have so much fun being with all of us together I can't wait untill next year when we can do it again.

Now to Chrismas day. Not as enjoyable unfortunately. I woke up with my eyes blurred and stuck together with a bad sore throat and a headache that was debilitating. I did not know what to do my oncologist was unable to be reached and I was really scared because I had just go my first Chemo of Taxol (a new drug for me) on Wednesday. As the hours went on my head was in so much pain that as soon as I tried to eat I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I have never felt such pain in my head before so I told my husband to call 911. When the Ambulance came they strapped me in for a ride to the hospital and that is where I spent the rest of my Christmas. I got a cat scan of my sinuses and brain and the finally got in touch with my oncologist and spoke. I have a really bad sinus infection so they gave me IV antibiotics and sent me home with some more pain meds. Thank God I am feeling better today just really guilty that I ruined my families christmas day plans. I just wanted so bad to feel normal and stay home with my kids from now on and like a rug being pulled out from under me I am now realizing I can't do that. I can't let my kids be traumatized by my illness anymore like yesterday and I can't be left alone without anyone nearby to help me. I feel so bad for my kids the were so happy to hear I was going to stay home now and I just can't do it yet. It's so unfair I just want to scream why can't I just have a break why does it always have to be this hard other people go to work and are able to function almost normally and it makes me so mad that I just cant get one dam break and get through this one easily. Please pray for me and I will pray for myself for this to be all that I need to suffer and that the rest will be just normal nothing wonderful just normal. I am getting tired of fighting and I just want to keep my head in the game so I need support more than ever right now. I don't have any poker tournaments coming up right now which believe it or not they get my mind moving forward and give me something to look ahead at to keep me going so maybe thats why I am having some trouble with nothing to grasp for like they took the carrot away from the horse and now he doesn't know where to go or what to do. That is where I am at now I don't know where to go or what to do. I only know whatever comes my way I will do my absolute best and give all I have and pray God leads me down the right path.


  1. Nicole...I Haven't written in a while, but you are always in my thoughts and prayer!! I hate that you have to go through this...and I hate that you had a sucky day yesterday!!! I'm here if you need anything...and remember can always ask Anthony any medicine questions!!! Hang in there. I know it's terrible... You're always in my thoughts and prayers!!!
    All my love,

  2. Thank you Michelle you are really a gift from God my family for many years and I am grateful for your thoughts and prayers.

  3. Nicole, hang in there. Remember, Borgata on January 24 for our rematch! That is less than one month away. That is something to look forward to. You are in our thoughts and prayers and we wish that your discomfort is lessened as time goes on. xoxox Emily

  4. Nicole

    I've played poker with you before at various casinos throughout Atlantic City, and I came across an article in BLUFF magazine last month. Needless to say, I passed out after realizing just who it was about.

    There in NOTHING in this world that I HATE more at at this point in time, than the disease of Cancer. Last month, I buried my best friend to the disease of Colon cancer - at age 31. Unfortunately, he couldnt afford the treatments that required him to stay alive. It was really sad.

    I have a newly-found respect for people like you, who have had to re-construct their lives around such terrible news. I admire the fact that you have found a sense of relief and have found the courage to POUR your guts and feelings out onto this blog.

    Nicole, your playing the "short stack" now in the great game of No-Limit LIFE. The idea is to keep doubling that shit up! Dont ever give up Nicole, and keep following the Doctors advice.

    Johnny Post
    ( )