Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I am starting to realize my life is never going to be the same again. Everything in my it is no longer going to even resemble life before the big C. I keep trying to trick my mind into pretending it is but its forever different. My sadness about this is really hard to deal with. Its not so much anger anymore just sadness and fear. As I lay in the hospital on Christmas day listening to the doctor order a brain scan for my sinus infection I got a glimpse of my future which is wanting to know but not wanting to know or having them test but not really wanting to have them test because it is to scary to think what if it comes back bad. Being positive only goes so far and then your left with the reality that cancer can come back and it can be anywhere and trying to put it out of your head only goes so far and then the panic sets in. I need reassuarance but the only one who can give it to me is God and its sometimes hard to hear God because its blind faith that allows you to hear him not your physical ears. I just want my mind to rest for a little while and I cant seem to do that lately. I think I need to find medication to help me because it cant be good for me physically or mentally to feel in a constant state of anxiety.I am finding that the drugs I have been on just don't seem to help as much anymore. Part of me feels like I should just be strong and get through it without these strong medications I am already taking and part of me feels like just freaking do what you need to to make it better. I don't think anyone is going to judge me at this moment so I am going to do what I have to. I just hope there is something out there that will help. There is not much I can do about my new reality except give it my best to appreciate the positive and pray that my strenght holds up both in my head and in my body.

1 comment:

  1. Nicole, I can't imagine what you are going through. During the ordeal with Anthony, all I had to lean on was God. I used to pray...not even really, I used to turn very thought into a prayer. My though life was a constant conversation with God. I remember Anthony was in cardio ICU, for about 4 days. Then he needed a heart cathiterization. I waited for the results FOREVER! I watched as doctors came in the waiting room to give results. I watched families cry as they received their news. And my fear became palpable. I had my Ipod...music is a very powerful thing for me. There were 2 songs I kept playing over and over. Breathe, the words in the chorus are...breathe, just breathe. And thats what I would do. The other song was a Christian song by Steven Curtus Chapman and the chorus was...I do I do I do believe...I know I know I know I know its true, I do I do I do believe, Lord I believe in you. Then there is a part of the song that blew away my fear, even if it was only for a moment...it went...If this faith in you is blind it's not to anything thats true, but Your Love opened up my eyes to see that EVERYTHING I need is found when I believe in You!!
    I listened to those songs through everything. It was my lifeline to peace.
    You're an amazing fighter!! In those times when the fear is screaming at you so loudly that it is hard to be positive or have any other thoughts...God will show you your life line to peace.
    When I prayed for Anthony I used to say...Lord, you love him more than I do... he is Your child. I know you have only goodness for him...I TRUST YOU.
    God has only goodness for you. I don't know why we have to go through times like these...That is a question I have for Him when I get to heaven...But I know that God loves you Nicole. You are His child...and He only wants goodness for you!!
    All my love!