Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Looking forward

I am so excited about seeing my friends this weekend at the Borgata Ladies event. I am so blessed to have these distractions to get me through the misery of breast cancer treatment. My mind is such an important part of keeping me grounded and it gives me the gift of these moments where I can just be cancer free in my head for as long as god lets me play. I know it sounds funny to some people because it is gambling and it does cost money but when you are staring mortality in the face you realize that you cant take it with you so the time I spend playing poker is priceless to me as long as I am not hurting my family in the process. Some people have Golf some people have broadway and opera's some people have horseback riding I have poker and they all have a pricetag. I am not playing to get rich I am playing to enjoy the moments I can being competative and since I am quite frail right now I cant play golf or tennis to fullfill my competative nature so this is it for me.

On the health front I have some stuff going on I have my next chemo treatment on Thursday this week and I'm a little blue because this chemo really causes me some pain and I want to enjoy my trip really bad it also is making me lose my eyebrows and eyelashes and I feel like I look like a droid. My self esteem is kind of in the dumps. I look really sick right now I am 104 lbs soaking wet and I hate to look in the mirror. I am trying really hard to keep eating every few hours but my pants keep falling off of me and my face looks gaunt and my coloring is grey. I know this is temporary but aside from the physical pain it is really hard to cope with this but I just keep telling myself it is not permanent I am almost done and I can get through this and be better than before!

I have now set a date for my second surgery which will be taking out the tissue expanders in my chest and puting in the permanent silicone implants it will be on March 10 so God please let me get through this surgery with ease. I am unerved about surgery and I am not happy that they told me that I will have drains in my chest for up to a week again. Those drains were so painful the first time I almost cried when the nurse told me I would have to have them again. I knew in my heart there would come a time during this ordeal where I just feel like I cant do it anymore and I think thats where I am at I am worn down to the core I just need to get through this and then on to the next which is radiation. I will have to go for radiation starting about a month after my surgery for 6 weeks every day and I pray that God gives me the strength to get through everything and recover. To my friends and family you are my strength and thank you for your endless love and encouragement you are my gift and I treasure you. Please know I will never stop fighting but this is my mind releasing my sometimes negative thoughts onto paper and out of my head so I apologize if any of this bothers you.

1 comment:

  1. Nicole, Can't wait to see you on Sunday! xox Emily