Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The day before blues

Today is the day before chemo and I seem to get anxious the day before treatment every time so far. I expect that that is normal considering I feel so good right now and I am about to go through hell all over again starting tomorrow. The Taxol which is the easier of the two chemo treatments has been pretty hard for me at least harder than I expected. I seem to have side affects such as night sweats and bone pain which is very painful for me and I stopped menstruating so I am having all those great menepause moments. I don't know how to dress its so funny I have to dress in layers so I can peel them off one by one as I have a hot flash but then as soon as the hot flash is over I am freezing my ass off. I even have sweat dripping off my bald head I didn't even know it was possible to sweat on your head but at least I have a lot of new clothes thanks to my neice who gave me all her clothes that she has grown out of. Its strange when you get hand me downs from you 16 year old 5 foot 8 neice. So now I am bald and Hip. I need to have a lot of clothes because all I seem to do is sweat so its good to have back up. Anyway I know the chemo is almost done I just have to keep my eye on the prize and keep moving forward. I have to make sure that my attitude stays positive which for some reason is a lot more difficult now than it was at the beginning of this ordeal. I know I am getting closer to the end but that has a whole new set of fears for me. I feel like "
then what?" Do I just wait or what happens then. I feel like at least in treatment we are actively doing something what do we do when I'm finished. What kind of testing will I go through and will the anxiety over these tests ever get easier. Do I want to know or don't I. I am not sure. I think ignorance is bliss but on the other hand the more I know the more I can fight. I am so confused and scared I dont know if this is normal but I am trying a new medication for depression and anxiety and I hope it works. My mind is like a big circle I have other thoughts but somehow someway it always end up thinking about cancer and death I just have to break the cycle and start learning to train my mind to live and relax. I want to gain control back and stop letting cancer dictate my life and my thoughts. I need to learn yoga or something. Poker helps me so much its like my time to be cancer free and just enjoy every moment but my financial problems have made it impossible for me to play right now so I need to find something else that works so far not to successful and shopping is out so any ideas let me know. LOL. I hope everybody has a great new year and I plan to have a healthy and hopefully happy 2010.


  1. You're awesome!! Hang in there! You are an mazing fighter!
    Good luck tomorrow!
    Love, Michelle

  2. Thank you Michelle I will fight as hard as I can that is for sure. Hope all goes well this week.