Saturday, January 9, 2010

Bravery in a nutshell

I know that there is a lesson in here for me I just need to realize what that lesson is. I am going through the motions but my head is spinning. I can't stop thinking about how the hell this could happen to me. I thought I was over this but it just never seems to go away. All the well wishes and caring thoughts are so helpful but then I have to go and see doctors and listen to things I just don't want to listen to. I am afraid of thinking wrong that the universe will some how punish me for thinking why me. I am afraid of the things I see and hear in the chemo room or in the doctors office. I met a young woman in the chemo room which is what it sounds like, its a room in the hospital with about 8 chairs where everyone in the room is getting there dose of poison that day. It amazes me that every time I go there it is full with a waiting room full of people waiting for their turn to get hooked up. Anyway this woman I met was sitting next to me and being there for 4 or 5 hours you eventually start talking to everyone around you or in my case within 5 minutes you know everybody in the room life story. Unfortunately for me I asked her about her cancer and I heard just the thing that I feared most. She told me she had breast cancer that started 7 years ago and that she was stage 2. Two years after her diagnosis it returned a second time and she went through chemo again and went into remission again and then it returned for a third time and it is all over her chest. I should have kept my mouth shut because I have not stopped thinking about her since. I kept asking her how the hell can you deal with this and she told me believe it or not you get used to it you just keep fighting she was the bravest person I ever met. She was maybe 40 had two young kids and her husband left her because he couldnt't deal with her illness yet she sat there smiling and being so positive in a way I envy her. She told me they have used 5 different chemotherapys on her and they still have more to use when the cancer becomes resistant to that one as it always seems to do. She kept telling me this won't happen to you that it is much more likely that I will be fine but I just can't get the thoughts out of my head. I pray for her and for her kids. This disease is a curse on mankind and it takes the lives of young people and if there is anything I can do to help find a cure not just for myself but for anyone who has been touched by cancer I will. I know life is not a promise but a gift and I want to use mine to help others and I hope I get the chance to make a difference.

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