Hi guys a little buzzed on pain meds tonight but when they wear off in the middle of the night it sucks. I am looking forward to seeing long time friends for lunch tomorrow I also want to drive again so bad I feel so restricted and almost caged. Dependency sucks but thank god for Mom which I've said before she is making it as easy as she possibly can and I am grateful. I try not to wake her in the night but it is really lonely right now. Fear is much worse alone at night so I think I will play online for a while. My poker show is over and nothing on T.V.. I really need a hug right now so I will settle for a virtual one from my friends that are up. Thank G-d for facebook. I can't wait to get these darn drains out of my chest and feel somewhat whole again. I just have to say Mom has been a soldier in this for me and I can never repay her enough for how she took control of my health and my psyche she is mmy rock. I also always said I was not that close to my sister but I was wrong, yes we are very different but man I never knew how much we mean to each other I could never have go through this without her! I love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart Liz you are my gift I never knew I had. Your words are like water or food to me essential in living! thank you ! And Dad I can't describe how this family would not exist without your unconditional love and support I just never knew how lucky I am and I am sorry it took this to open my eyes. Ironic I am an optician who has been blind for a long time! I love you all not that that even comes close to the gratitude I just don't have words for! we are truly in this together thank you thank you thank you!

Here we are again. 11:30 pm and I am up in some pain but not to bad thank G-D. I am kind of relaxed and just reflecting on my day. I am proud of myself I am not staying in bed under the covers all day and feeling sorry for myself at all. I had a great day. My Mom and I did all of our medical duties early this morning, had breakfast and went to run some errands. One errand was to go to the Doctors office (my gynecologist) to speak to the Nurse Practitioner who gave me the horrible news on that fateful day of September 4th. I wanted to hug her and say I am sorry that she had to do such a difficult task that day but I thank G-d for her that she was the one that told me. She is about as calming a person by nature I could have ever wished for. I hugged her and apologized and let her know how grateful I am to her. She almost cried which made me realize really how empathetic she is and how wonderful a human being. Then Mom and I went to lunch with one of my best friends and had a really nice time, and then I had decided the day before to cut my hair off to about an inch or less from my head. I figured let me take control over when my hair comes off and the choice away from cancer therefore the control in my hands. I felt so empowered as she cut each long strand of hair off my head and then I got the mirror and fell in love with my new Mia Farrow look! After that we went to get my eyebrows and lips waxed to make the whole beauty thing complete. Followed that up with dinner with Mom and her 2 best friends and my cousin (by friendship) Lea who is inspiring to me because she is a survivor like I plan to be. Now that is a good day folks. I am proud and tired and going to bed a new person! A better and stronger person! Nighty Night!

Fear and Pain 2 things I swore wouldn't control my life after finding out about my breast cancer and here I am at 12:30 pm not able to sleep because of them. Sometimes I just want out and I haven't even begun yet. I am in pain, I am nauseous and my arm feels really funny. I hope its not permanently messed up because of the node removal. I am petrified of the pathology results but I just don't want to be negative. I can't help it though. I feel like shit and I don't want to pretend anymore.

I had the double mastectomy on 9/30 and I am recovering at Mom's house thank god because It is very painful and a full time job to take care of me at this point with drains and medications at different times etc... The pathology will not be back for about a week so no exact plan of action yet. They did find cancer in my centinal lymph nodes so they had to take a bunch more to see how many nodes involved. I do know for sure I will need Chemotherapy and radiation but no exact map of action yet. We will keep you posted as soon as anything happens or changes. The best way to get up to date is on Facebook. Love you and give me a call anytime with any questions its hard to call everybody individually. Love and Kisses Nicole:)

This will probably be the last post from me for a little while but stay tuned my family will be posting updates on facebook and hopefully here as well. I have a strange feeling today slowly coming over me throughout the day. I have been asking G-d since I found out about this to please grant me a wish but my wish has changed. I was asking to be cured and to not have this be true but realizing thats not possible immediately I accept this trial and will fight hard for myself and my family to recover fully and quickly. My wish is now (Shalom) I am looking for peace, Peace for me, Peace for my loved ones and all who care about me. Whatever happens I am only going to ask for this one thing for now. My life is just taking an unexpected turn and its time to let it be. I will go to sleep with a little help from the pharmacy and hopefully G-d will grant me this wish. Good night my friends, my family, may G-d bless us all!

There is nothing to say and nothing anybody else can say right now. All that I can think about is surgery. God give my Dr. extra wisdom and skills tomorrow. Let me get through this unscathed and get to the next Chapter of healing. Thank you everyone for you well wishes and prayers they have helped through this torture. I feel so sorry for my kids I want them to be O.K. but this will affect them too. I remember the fear and anxiety as a kid of dealing with my grandmother in my home when she was going through breast cancer. I just hope they will be sheltered a little from the pain and I thank my Mom for letting me stay at her home until I feel better. I hope my family knows how much I appreciate them. I love you more than you know and I appreciate you all!