Here I am again up in the wee hours just can't stop thinking. My mind just goes crazy and I can't sleep. I am definitely learning to live with my new reality but it is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. I am afraid of treatment and I am anxious about when and what and how. I have so many unanswered questions and it makes normalcy difficult at best. Almost every time I turn on the T.V. I am reminded of my affliction because of Breast Cancer Awareness Month which is a wonderful thing but is making it hard to forget for any amount of time about it. I keep needing to remind myself this is just a hurdle in my life it is not a death sentence anymore. My breasts are still in pain almost all the time which is another reminder of my ordeal. I hope that it gets better soon and I'm sure it will but life now is very hard. I miss feeling normal. My mind is strong at times and weak at others it is constantly a struggle. I am trying hard though to stay positive and be strong. I hugged my daughter tonight and it just felt so good I wanted to cry. I want to be here for her for all of her needs and I am angry that Cancer could take that away from us both. She deserves to have a Mom in her life for every bit of her growing up and its just not fair that she has to have this fear and has to deal with this illness. I know that she is strong and we will get through this with love and faith but it still doesn't make it fair. We as a family are survivors and I feel like we are an army of friends and family fighting together to beat this thing right out of our lives and we will.

Hi everybody I've missed you. I haven't had the head to write in a few days but I'm back. I had a really good night sleep last night in my own bed with my husband for the first time since I found out I have cancer. Yes I said since September 4th the day I found out, not the day of my surgery. I don't know exactly why I couldn't sleep in my bed but I have theories. When you don't feel normal you don't act normal. But my best guess is that I needed to have my computer and my TV on all night for constant reassurance and I did not want to bother him while he was sleeping although he continuously said to me it would not bother him and to just come to bed I couldn't. I feel relieved and like things are becoming more normal now and this was the first step. I still am very anxious about one pathology test that has not come back yet which is called HER2 it has something to do with Human growth hormone and a protein but I am trying not to learn about it until I have to but hopefully I won't have to. This makes the cancer much more aggressive therefore more likely to spread. I know in my heart I do not have this but I just want to put it out of my mind and move to the next trial. I am starting to feel like people are going back to life as usual and I am still left here with my fearful mind. I did expected that and in a way I want that. The more normal life gets the easier it will be for me to forget this nightmare and move passed it. I am one of the luckiest people I know with never ending support of friends and family that I only dreamed was possible. Has to be a gift from G-d and I am learning to believe that this whole experience is already choreographed by him so I am trying my best to follow his lead and just let go and dance. I am not the best dancer but I hope I don't have to be. I will try and thats the best I can do.

I did not really think this part of my ordeal would be this hard. I am overwhelmed with fear and the continuous boosts I get from friends and family make me overcome. I am grateful which I've said before but its like a endless supply of life boats in and ocean of tidal waves so every wave comes and I feel as if there is no way another relief boat is coming and then like a miracle there it is a verbal life boat, a hug, a phone call or even just a look of faith. You have no idea how this is saving me from drowning in fear and self pity. I still need chemical help as well for physical help and emotional help but that is ok too. If ever a need for anxiety or pain medication now is the time and I thank G-d for that relief. My breasts are hurting like heck. I didn't expect the pain to still be this bad but it feels as if a hatchet has been put in the middle of my chest. Hopefully this will lessen over time. Tomorrow I get my first fill in my tissue expanders which makes me nervous as well. Hopefully it will be like getting braces tightened as a kid and will only be uncomfortable for a few days but I know that will be worth it when my new perky boobies arrive in a few months. I am going to stay strong and get through this and hopefully my thoughts and words will give people insight into this journey I am taking far from on my own but as a team. I want you to understand that what I feel I say and it helps me unbelievably so I hope it helps my friend and family and our whole team as well.

Today I am at home for the first time since my surgery. It is both comforting and scary at the same time. I am so well taken care of by my mom at her home and I can't help but feeling the child mother bond which is incredible. I have only been a mom for almost seven years now and it is so incredibly rewarding but selfishly I am enjoying being the baby again. Now comes the guilt for not being here for my own children. I realize they have about the best father in the whole world caring for them so well in my absence but I can't help feeling the way I feel. After all I am jewish. LOL we do guilt well. Anyway I will spend time with them this weekend and try to forget about the looming reality about to hit me on Monday. I can't seem to enjoy being here as much as I thought I would but as things become clearer and action gets taken I think I will be able to enjoy these things again. I am counting the moments minute by minute until Monday and life will never be the same again for better or worse I am O.K with this. I think I am starting to accept my new reality. Life is still good and I have a lot to do so see yall later!

I am up again this time I don't have that much pain but i am totally nauseous I don't know why but anyway I just took a nausea pill and hope it works soon. I had such a nice time last night with 9 or so friends that came over to spend time with me. Every time I see friends an family pulling together for me it gives me strength and faith. Two things I know I will need to fight this. Again I am in pain but cannot take pain medication because my stomach hurts more. I don't know why but I think I did to much yesterday and my body is pissed at me. I am trying to rest but really don't feel well. I better get used to this because I haven't even started treatment yet. I can deal with almost any kind of sickness but nausea. I makes me so scared to think what's ahead of me if I can't even deal with this. Anyway I don't mean to complain. I should focus on the friends who came to share a really nice time with me and my family last night. I again am so lucky but at least I know it now. I feel like I can do anything. I hope I can!

I am up in the middle of the night for a change and I am just thinking about tomorrow. I am going to the Plastic Surgeon at Memorial Sloan Kettering, now today at 3:30PM to remove these drains finally. I feel like a lot of my residual pain is due to these foreign bodies in my chest. They itch they hurt they are uncomfortable and inconvenient to say the least. I think my pathology report is supposed to be in tomorrow and I am anxious to know what they are going to say but part of me just doesn't want to ask yet. I want to know but I don't in the same breath. I am trying to stay positive which I have a lot to be positive for but the possibilities kill me mentally. I know what I have been told is all good like the size of my tumor makes it a stage 2 which is early but you just don't know till the pathology report shows you the full picture. I am afraid of the fact that cancer was found in my lymph node and they are studying these cells to find out how far they have gotten. Whatever the results I know I have a great chance of long term survival at worst and cure at best, but its like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other its just there and wont go away. I just have a hard time like a child on christmas morning wanting to just get there already and get through these next few months or a year and at the same time I want to stop to smell the roses as they say and live in the moment and just appreciate each day. We will see if my feelings change when we get the reports and start my treatments. I think that the unknown is the hardest part of my whole experience so far. I'm hoping comfort comes with knowledge and action and faith in G-d. I am trying folks and thank you for your comments about my journey. Hopefully one day this chronicle can help someone else get through this experience day by day like I am. It is the only way I can make any sense of this.