Mothers Day

Tomorrow is Mothers Day and I am excited about it yet looming over my head is silly things like is this the last Mothers Day for me, are my kids going to go through life without a mother and hurt like hell every year on this day. It's hard to keep these thoughts away they just are relentless making every holiday and basically every day at one moment or another a nightmare. I really want to stay positive all the time I just can't seem to do it as hard as I try. My faith comes and goes and I feel sometimes like I am the only one in the world who feels this way right now even though logically I realize thats not true. Today is a why me day I guess. Maybe tomorrow will be better I hope so. I don't know which is worse the physical or mental pain of this thing I am going through. Well lets see how radiation goes. I look forward to going back to Mom's house for a little while. It will be nice to go back for 5 weeks. It will be a happy Mothers Day.

Today was the dry run for radiation

Today I went for the dry run for my radiation and let me tell you it felt as if I was abducted by aliens and was studied and maneuvered and just felt like a guinie pig. I know I have to do this but the thought of it scares me as well because I know radiation can be damaging in and of itself. I am afraid of the side effects also but I know they will not be nearly what chemotherapy was so I keep reassuring myself on that one. I look forward to the day I am truly cancer free and also free to live my life. I wish I felt a little stronger for me and for my kids I feel like I am pushing myself to just get up and out of bed every day. I think I am depressed a little. I guess that is to be expected under the circumstances. Thank god for my husband he takes care of me and my kids from laundry to cooking to cleaning and more. All the guilt that I have cant be good for me but this is the way it is right now hopefully someday soon I will be back to myself and be able to do mor without getting wiped out. I am sitting next to my son who is singing somewhere over the rainbow and I am kvelling at the cuteness of him right now. Its funny how kids are so resilient he barely notices anything different about me or whats going on in our world.

Starting Radiation jitters

I was supposed to go for my first radiation treatment tomorrow but the office called to say we have to do my dry run tomorrow instead of today and start the actual treatment on Monday. I am both nervous and happy to be starting the last phase of treatment. I am hoping to be in the majority this time with little or no side effects. My family and I went to Buffalo and Niagara Falls this passed weekend and it was a great distraction for me. First was my 19 year college reunion which was so much fun but so strange at the same time. I felt like I was in a time warp where I was at my college in the college bars that we would hang out in but I felt like we were there with my parents age friends. Not that everyone looked old but we all look 40 which was the exact age of my parents when I was in college. It was a great time and I loved seeing all the people I haven't seen in 20 years. It seemed as I looked around I did feel different I felt like look at this I have cancer and life just goes on anyway I feel guilty for even saying that out loud but it is how I felt. I know logically that life does go on but I also feel like I wear a badge and that that badge is cancer which made me wear a wig which made me tired which made it impossible to drink and have the same good time as everyone else there. I did drink a little and I did have a good time I just wish I was finished with all my treatments and completely healthy. Anyway we ended up doing the tourist thing and going to Niagara Falls and doing a guided tour which was amazing. We went on this boat that goes almost all the way in to the mouth of the falls and me my husband, my niece and my kids had a blast but it was a little scary. The boat was rocking and rolling and we were getting so aked by the mist and waves made by the falls. We took a ton of pictures which I am happy about hopefully my kids can remember this trip forever. I needed to go some of the way by wheelchair though because I am still anemic and my strength is still not up to where I could do this without any help. My husband and my niece pushed me and that was nice otherwise I would have had to stay on the bus. I am so luck to have the family support that I do and I will never forget that it is what propells me through this. I am curious to see how this dry run for radiation goes tomorrow and talk to my handsome doctor about my treatment again. I am sure all my questions will be answere and It won't be as scary as it seems right now I will just keep praying for the best and hope that gods hands will guide the doctors into curing me so I can go to my 25 college reunion feeling great!